Humor Helps

Laugh_7

 

..And, if your doctor concurs, try some of the offerings below to add a bit of zest to your day.

 

 

 

A.A.A.D.D.. KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

This is my life…..
Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.  This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look
over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the   Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve
been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the
flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the
remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn’t washed.

The bills aren’t paid.

There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter.   The flowers don’t have
enough water, There is still only 1 check in my check book, I can’t find the
remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the
car keys.  Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m
really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

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Little Known Tidbit of Naval History

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water,  7,400 cannon shot,  11,600 pounds of black powder and  79,400 gallons of rum.” Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November.. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England .  In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-warships, and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships,salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.  Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland .. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799,  with no cannon shot,  no food,  no powder, no rum,  no wine,  no whisky,  and 38,600 gallons of waterGO NAVY!

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Puns

  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words
  • They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
  • This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
  • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds..
  • I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
  • I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Velcro – what a rip off!
  • Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
  • I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.
  • When chemists die, they barium.

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BLONDE JOKE

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten
were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go.
Otherwise, the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech, saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

 The ten blondes applauded.

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NEED A GOOD LAUGH….  WELL, THIS OUGHT TO DO IT..

1.*AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik-Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’]

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.  Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.  (hellooooooo)!

8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

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Dead Horse

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in managing any business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.
  2. Changing riders.
  3. Saying things like “This is the way we always have ridden this horse.”
  4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
  5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
  6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
  7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
  8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
  9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment.
  10. Change the requirements declaring that “This horse is not dead.”
  11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
  12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
  13. Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.”
  14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
  15. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
  16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
  17. Declare the horse is “better, faster and cheaper” dead.
  18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
  19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
  20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
  21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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Be Careful What You Ask for…

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called …his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you.

‘The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

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